Goodbye and Good Riddance Part 2 | Knowing When It Is The End Of a Friendship

You’ve probably read some of my other posts that talk about how I’m losing many of my friends somehow, not because I don’t keep in touch – because I do. They just don’t keep in touch with me. I have reflected a lot about this, trying to think did I do something to piss them off? Or do I just put it down to growing up and growing apart?

I have some of my closest friends, who we all agree we have grown apart, but we still see each other, we just see each other less, so I don’t think this one is this.

In the past few months I have come to the realisation that one friend in particular, that I had since I was 12 will become a distant memory pretty soon and I just have to accept that. The funny thing is after years of emailing, texting, calling and not getting replies or getting replies about 3 weeks later, she actually randomly sent me a text. I say random as it was well over 1 year since I had stopped making attempts to contact.

In the 2 years she was really bad at keeping in touch she had given birth to twins (this was why she got in touch to tell me so) and I took this as a white flag to rekindle our friendship again. I will admit, I was a bit irked that I had no idea she was even pregnant, considering I used to be the one whom she told all her secrets too – I mean I know a lot, but what can I do, that is just life and it was her choice, but I always got the feeling maybe she felt bad about that, this is why I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

For 2 months we exchanged frequent emails and texts, trying to arrange a meet-up, she had relocated further north of the city and I was willing to pay the money to commute out of the London borders. The following months it went quiet again, probably on my part due to my job interviews, job searching and beginning this blog, so I decided once and for all to put a date in my diary to make the effort to visit.

I texted her and I didn’t get a reply until about 1 week later, she said that she was busy on all her days off from work for the next month and didn’t know when she would be free and that was that. I replied saying that I completely understood and that I would leave the ball in her court to let me know.

I never heard from her again and if I’m honest I haven’t tried to get in touch with her, I just got a clear sign that she just didn’t want to meet, something had changed. Was it me? Was it her?

Another mutual friend of ours suggested she may have been hormonal from the birth (she hadn’t seen her for years either btw) or just forgot who her real friends are and had probably changed. But even she said – why bother getting back in touch with you if she isn’t bothering to keep it up? Part of me thinks she was expecting more fuss, she was always one to want fuss around her and to be the centre of attention, she was obsessed about being popular.

Whatever the sudden cold shoulder, the timing was pretty off, I racked my brain thinking, have I written something on Twitter she didn’t like, was it because I didn’t send a gift (I was saving to buy her a gift so I could bring it with me on my planned visit), was she pissed off I left it too long to arrange a visit? Or maybe she just decided she doesn’t like me anymore? (I know that sounds so playground) I understand she has her hands completely full with the babies.

I’ve finally decided to just give up on her, the deciding factor came on the month of her birthday, Usually I had always, always sent her a card or a message even when we weren’t speaking and I wouldn’t get a reply or I’d get one 5 weeks later – so I decided I either send a card and keep trying to get in touch, getting hurt in the process, me doing all the work, her never visiting me (this is how the latter years pretty much were) or I don’t send anything and just cut-off from now.

Sounds harsh but I have a life too ya know and I just dont need this shit to be honest, so that is what I did. I’m not kidding myself anymore, it’s pretty obvious that we aren’t friends anymore – I will turn into someone she used to know and that is OK with me.

XO

What Shall I Do Today All By Myself? | Tea & Lipsticks

It was this morning when I realised that I am a very lonely person. I’m really happy and I know a number of people (family not included), have a wonderful husband, but I’m really lonely.

My husband was setting off to work this morning and as I was saying goodbye I began to think; what shall I do today? By the end of the week all chores are covered, I’ve finished my books and checked in with my older relatives on the phone (to see how they are) so, what shall I do?

It’s a miserable day, a perfect coffee morning kinda weather – but out of the 6 gal pals that live nearby none ever pop over for a coffee date. My mum says this changes once your kids go to school as you gain school mother friends. Is this true I wonder?

I’m not depressed or sad which is a bloody good thing but it is still annoying how today I would like to spend time in the company of others and I know it ain’t gonna happen.

I sometimes wish I had online pen pals or something to just pass the time with on days like these. I am probably my own worst enemy; I keep myself so busy during the week that on the rare occasion I have down time I just struggle to relax.

What shall I do today? I guess I will just sit here all by myself😊

XO

Spellbound

This is going to sound really weird please bare with me, but I feel like someone has a ‘hold’ over me. I constantly have the person on my mind but not because I’m thinking of them, the person is just always there. I struggle with guilt constantly with the person yet I’ve done nothing to be guilty of, if I haven’t made contact for a time I begin to feel very bad about it and I begin to worry. So I make contact so that I stop worrying.

I don’t know if it is me being ansy or if there really is something else involved… ya see, I know in years gone by there were dabblings of the earth, water, air, fire kind and many a innocent “So Mote It Be’s” so I do wonder if a ‘binding’ was made in the nicest possible way of-course not out of malice but out of love and caring.

But what makes me doubt this is that I have only had this feeling in the last 10 years. I have only suffered with these guilt pangs for the same amount of time, so maybe I’m just worrying for nothing but it is weird how I can’t shake this feeling off and I don’t have this with anyone else and it’s so, so strong.

I try to break free, but I feel ‘pulled’ back like a magnet. It’s just weird. Like sealing a circle link so it doesn’t break – ever, but doesn’t the strength of the link itself pertain to whether there will be breakage and if the link is uber strong then it will always be unbroken? And vice versa. Don’t get me wrong I love this friendship very much but I feel uncomfortable sometimes and there certainly are some double standards going on.

I feel this has affected some of the choices I have made or not made in my life which is very unlike me and unhealthy, I have always been fiercely independent and my dear husband will tell you the same. If I’m honest it is like I fear a backlash of some sort.

I have to either face this fear, get unbound or get on with it as it is causing stagnation. I just really had to get it all out somewhere as I particularly feel it today more than ever.

XO

Goodbye and Good Riddance Part 1

Rina and I would keep in touch every few weeks or so and we would try to meet up about twice a year. She lived in the North West borders of the city where, I lived the complete opposite, so meeting up was a little bit of a chore to say the least (and if I’m honest she was alright but we had nothing in common and she hung out with a really bad crowd) but I still kept in touch none the less as a once or twice a year meet-up wasn’t really a big deal.

Until, I met my now husband that is.

Growing up a 1st generation child I always was very aware of the hidden snobbery and blatant racism within my culture but the absolute shock I got when that was geared towards me and my love was the last straw.

The Phone Call
“So, I just wanted to let you know that I got engaged!” Rina tells me
“Congratulations! That’s great news, I am engaged too actually it just recently happened while I was in the States” I reply
“Oh cool, is he Italian?” she says
“God no, American” I say
“I can’t stand Americans” she announces

I was so gobsmacked, I actually was speechless and that isn’t like me at all, I think I was in shock at what she just said and it really fucking hurt especially as my husband was deployed and serving his country in a war zone – how dare she.

“Angelo’s Italian, but he doesn’t speak it perfectly so when he called to ask my dad for my hand in marriage you should have seen the drama, as you know my dads hard of hearing and all. How did yours ask your dad, was your dad angry?”

“Actually, the circumstance with him getting his orders so suddenly for Iraq is why we bought our engagement forward than planned so he didn’t get around to asking my dad as we weren’t in the UK, asking my dad to be honest was the least of our worries” I say

“Oh right, well I better go, I have a busy day but keep in touch!”

That phone call really hurt my feelings, I didn’t give a shit about Rina, this just proved what a cow she was, I was upset for my husband, he was being disliked without even being known, Rina had never met him so how fucking dare she. Bitch. The joke is she had no place being so high and mighty when she used to hang around the with the local trash, take drugs every single day, participate in illegal activities and sleep around, her parents had no idea.

I would never call that piece of shit again.

A few months later I received a text from her inviting me to her hen weekend and the cost of the weekend was to be £150, I was fuming, absolutely fuming, If she thinks I am going to want to attend her last days as a singleton she had another thing coming.

“Sorry I am in America then, I won’t be able to attend” I texted back. She didn’t reply and I never heard from her again after that, and I deleted her number from my phone in anger, I needed to save all my strength and energy in coping at that current time, any other time I would have given her what for, so I didn’t call back either. I actually think she was pissed off that I declined her invitation, seriously, what a joke.

I never told my husband about that phone and text conversation, every-time the subject of how come so many of my friends disappeared I could never bring myself to tell him because I didn’t want him to feel bad. So it’s something I make sure I remember when I sometimes get down about not having as many friends as I used to have. Sometimes it’s better to have none at all, than ones who are assholes.

XO

I’m only saying this because I care…

Those were the words my childhood best friend said to me as she dropped me off from a lovely afternoon meet-up in town.

She wasn’t being mean or anything, she just felt the need to tell me her concern as to why I haven’t had children yet as I’m 34 and as she sweetly put it .. don’t you want to be a young mum? Aren’t you worried about not being able to conceive? No, not really I replied. I have never tried so I’m not going to worry about something that hasn’t or has happened yet.

I know she think she is helping but honestly, not only did that ruin my whole day, she has made me feel like shit with what I view as interfering comments. It’s nobody’s fucking business and I can’t seem to get that through people’s heads.

I can never, ever tell her to shut the fuck up as she would be broken hearted at the thought of upsetting me and at the same time defensive, so I just keep it inside and try to distance myself a little until I feel bad for distancing myself.

I think some people/ friends/ family are so righteous they feel they have the right to be what is basically very rude and impolite.

This isn’t the first time nor will it be the last I imagine that I will have someone declare a caring bit of advice. Fuck off and leave me the fuck alone, it is none of your business when I decide to do anything. Just go away!

X