Happy Chocolate Day!

Happy Easter Everyone!

Don’t worry if you have been waiting to receive a call or message from a friend or friends.

There are a lot of thoughtless people around and some you probably know well as I do and have done, why should you always be the one to send a text or email first?

Also, you shouldn’t feel obliged to buy every single friends kid an egg, it’s a lovely gesture – if you can afford it. I sometimes feel I will get bitched about if I visit friends without gifts but I just don’t have the money and I won’t apologise for that, I love buying people things I really do.

So, get your glad rags on and have a lovely day with who ever you are with and whatever you are doing.

And don’t feel guilty about it! 😊

XO

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Spellbound

This is going to sound really weird please bare with me, but I feel like someone has a ‘hold’ over me. I constantly have the person on my mind but not because I’m thinking of them, the person is just always there. I struggle with guilt constantly with the person yet I’ve done nothing to be guilty of, if I haven’t made contact for a time I begin to feel very bad about it and I begin to worry. So I make contact so that I stop worrying.

I don’t know if it is me being ansy or if there really is something else involved… ya see, I know in years gone by there were dabblings of the earth, water, air, fire kind and many a innocent “So Mote It Be’s” so I do wonder if a ‘binding’ was made in the nicest possible way of-course not out of malice but out of love and caring.

But what makes me doubt this is that I have only had this feeling in the last 10 years. I have only suffered with these guilt pangs for the same amount of time, so maybe I’m just worrying for nothing but it is weird how I can’t shake this feeling off and I don’t have this with anyone else and it’s so, so strong.

I try to break free, but I feel ‘pulled’ back like a magnet. It’s just weird. Like sealing a circle link so it doesn’t break – ever, but doesn’t the strength of the link itself pertain to whether there will be breakage and if the link is uber strong then it will always be unbroken? And vice versa. Don’t get me wrong I love this friendship very much but I feel uncomfortable sometimes and there certainly are some double standards going on.

I feel this has affected some of the choices I have made or not made in my life which is very unlike me and unhealthy, I have always been fiercely independent and my dear husband will tell you the same. If I’m honest it is like I fear a backlash of some sort.

I have to either face this fear, get unbound or get on with it as it is causing stagnation. I just really had to get it all out somewhere as I particularly feel it today more than ever.

XO

Do Bitches Even Know They Are Bitches?

I’ve always believed there is a difference between being ‘bitchy’ and being a ‘bitch’.

Bitchy = Out of character cattiness, one off remarks possibly sparked by bad moods, PMS, not intentionally wanting to cause hurt, thoughtlessness.

I have been bitchy in my life especially when I was younger being pissed off and feeling that a gal pal had offended me, done me wrong so I would retaliate by defending myself this way.

Now that I’m older my way of thinking has changed and so too is how I deal with situations

Bitch = Being very aware of your hurtful actions/words/thoughts. Knowing full well they could be hurtful but not caring, showing no remorse.

But now I’m wondering if my belief is wrong. Do some people not realise they are a B? Are they surrounded by a circle of people who regard certain types of behaviour the norm therefore, OK? Even if it has annoyed or upset someone?

I’m finding time and time again, that unfortunately this has been the cases or cases, that a regular nice enough person can do or say things or think a certain way when in the presence of not-even peers, ones who actually should know better… Family members, older generations, next door neighbours, the lady in the salon.

My point being that it isn’t peer pressure, it’s almost a gospel thought process from trustworthy, wise, older relatives that impressions some individuals almost like a brain-washing into doing something they think is funny or acceptable. But you would never in a million years be able to confront them with this as you would be told “I have a mind of my own”.

I feel sometimes subliminally we don’t realise how impressionable we adults are. Good, positive vibes rub off on us when surrounded by happy, positive souls and it is the same for negative.

So, back to the title question.
Do Bitches Even Know That They Are Bitches?
Maybe, not. Maybe they think that it is normal behaviour because it is all they’ve known, grown-up with and been shown. But give them a dose of the same medicine and you are fucked.

XO

Putting My Foot In It

I got a text earlier today from my friends’ significant other asking if I’d seen her. In the confusion instead of replying no, I texted my friend to double check all was ok? That I’d gotten a text and didn’t want to say the wrong thing (girl code ya know) and what did she want me to say.

I got a reply, except it wasn’t from my friend, it was from her partner from her phone which was forgotten by mistake. My heart immediately sunk to the pit of my stomach. He was annoyed with me I could tell, he had been told that my friend would be coming here to visit me which made it all even more confusing.

Maybe she was on her way for an impromptu visit I thought. No, no she wasn’t, he had found her at a relatives. I actually started to worry has something happened? What should I do?

It turned out to be all a joke to wind him up, I wish I had known before I put my foot in it, I would have known what to say. Now I feel that not only is my friends partner angry with me, but he probably thinks I’m a liar or untrustworthy which is the worst, I have anxiety in the pit of my stomach and I feel ill, even though I know everything is ok I still feel like I messed something up.

Next time I get a text like this if I ever do again I’m just going to pretend I didn’t receive anything rather than get nervous anxiety for feeling like I put my foot in it.

XO

Goodbye and Good Riddance Part 1

Rina and I would keep in touch every few weeks or so and we would try to meet up about twice a year. She lived in the North West borders of the city where, I lived the complete opposite, so meeting up was a little bit of a chore to say the least (and if I’m honest she was alright but we had nothing in common and she hung out with a really bad crowd) but I still kept in touch none the less as a once or twice a year meet-up wasn’t really a big deal.

Until, I met my now husband that is.

Growing up a 1st generation child I always was very aware of the hidden snobbery and blatant racism within my culture but the absolute shock I got when that was geared towards me and my love was the last straw.

The Phone Call
“So, I just wanted to let you know that I got engaged!” Rina tells me
“Congratulations! That’s great news, I am engaged too actually it just recently happened while I was in the States” I reply
“Oh cool, is he Italian?” she says
“God no, American” I say
“I can’t stand Americans” she announces

I was so gobsmacked, I actually was speechless and that isn’t like me at all, I think I was in shock at what she just said and it really fucking hurt especially as my husband was deployed and serving his country in a war zone – how dare she.

“Angelo’s Italian, but he doesn’t speak it perfectly so when he called to ask my dad for my hand in marriage you should have seen the drama, as you know my dads hard of hearing and all. How did yours ask your dad, was your dad angry?”

“Actually, the circumstance with him getting his orders so suddenly for Iraq is why we bought our engagement forward than planned so he didn’t get around to asking my dad as we weren’t in the UK, asking my dad to be honest was the least of our worries” I say

“Oh right, well I better go, I have a busy day but keep in touch!”

That phone call really hurt my feelings, I didn’t give a shit about Rina, this just proved what a cow she was, I was upset for my husband, he was being disliked without even being known, Rina had never met him so how fucking dare she. Bitch. The joke is she had no place being so high and mighty when she used to hang around the with the local trash, take drugs every single day, participate in illegal activities and sleep around, her parents had no idea.

I would never call that piece of shit again.

A few months later I received a text from her inviting me to her hen weekend and the cost of the weekend was to be £150, I was fuming, absolutely fuming, If she thinks I am going to want to attend her last days as a singleton she had another thing coming.

“Sorry I am in America then, I won’t be able to attend” I texted back. She didn’t reply and I never heard from her again after that, and I deleted her number from my phone in anger, I needed to save all my strength and energy in coping at that current time, any other time I would have given her what for, so I didn’t call back either. I actually think she was pissed off that I declined her invitation, seriously, what a joke.

I never told my husband about that phone and text conversation, every-time the subject of how come so many of my friends disappeared I could never bring myself to tell him because I didn’t want him to feel bad. So it’s something I make sure I remember when I sometimes get down about not having as many friends as I used to have. Sometimes it’s better to have none at all, than ones who are assholes.

XO