This is going to sound really weird please bare with me, but I feel like someone has a ‘hold’ over me. I constantly have the person on my mind but not because I’m thinking of them, the person is just always there. I struggle with guilt constantly with the person yet I’ve done nothing to be guilty of, if I haven’t made contact for a time I begin to feel very bad about it and I begin to worry. So I make contact so that I stop worrying.
I don’t know if it is me being ansy or if there really is something else involved… ya see, I know in years gone by there were dabblings of the earth, water, air, fire kind and many a innocent “So Mote It Be’s” so I do wonder if a ‘binding’ was made in the nicest possible way of-course not out of malice but out of love and caring.
But what makes me doubt this is that I have only had this feeling in the last 10 years. I have only suffered with these guilt pangs for the same amount of time, so maybe I’m just worrying for nothing but it is weird how I can’t shake this feeling off and I don’t have this with anyone else and it’s so, so strong.
I try to break free, but I feel ‘pulled’ back like a magnet. It’s just weird. Like sealing a circle link so it doesn’t break – ever, but doesn’t the strength of the link itself pertain to whether there will be breakage and if the link is uber strong then it will always be unbroken? And vice versa. Don’t get me wrong I love this friendship very much but I feel uncomfortable sometimes and there certainly are some double standards going on.
I feel this has affected some of the choices I have made or not made in my life which is very unlike me and unhealthy, I have always been fiercely independent and my dear husband will tell you the same. If I’m honest it is like I fear a backlash of some sort.
I have to either face this fear, get unbound or get on with it as it is causing stagnation. I just really had to get it all out somewhere as I particularly feel it today more than ever.