Little White Lies

I consider myself a really honest person.Too honest sometimes. As much as people say they would prefer to hear the truth, I don’t think they do.

However small all little white lies are, I often feel I have no choice but to use them otherwise all hell would break loose. For me, relatives and “friends” who have known you the longest are the biggest culprits.

An example which has happened to me just today; for the longest time I’ve heard my friend complain that nobody invites her to dinner dates or lazy lunches on a weekend, so a few weeks back an opportunity arose where I had a free house as my husband was away for work, so I invited her over for Sunday lunch and cocktails. She was super excited to have a casual yet fun invitation and she immediately said yes. That we would confirm it all nearer the time.

I didn’t hear anything back, so I called to confirm. She had forgotten about the date and also cancelled because her parents needed her help. She kept apologising for messing me about. Fair enough, I figured, this isn’t new with her, I wasn’t very surprised but oh well.

Upon telling my husband, his feelings towards the episode and to her, were: “well, she can’t ever say you don’t ever invite her to things, because you always do and there is always some excuse. I wouldn’t bother anymore because you only get disappointed”

3 days later, I get a text from said friend, she  asked if I wanted to meet up that afternoon in town – she was bored and just wanted to get out.

I really wasn’t in the mood to be social or out in public that day, and to be honest I was having a well earned duvet day. I really didn’t want to go, I just didn’t feel like it. Some people would have been able to handle a response like “I’m just not in the mood today” but not this girl, so I had to make up a lie.

In the past I have been truthful and she was bitchy and twisted my response so I’ve learnt now – she is one of those who can’t accept truth, but expects others to accept hers.

The little white lie I told wasn’t even a lie at all, more of an excuse. But the point is that I shouldn’t need to use one.

I was doing chores but not nearly as much as I had said and I could have easily stopped doing them, but ya know what, I felt like it was a sympathy invite because of her cancelling. Which is fine I guess, well no it actually isn’t fine… but it doesn’t deter from the fact that our meet-ups are only done when it suits her.

I find it really odd that people who have known me less (newer acquaintances/work colleagues) accept pure honesty from me and respect my responses and general comments.

it is very frustrating that we have to use little white lies but I don’t know what I’d do without them sometimes.

XO

 

 

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The Overbearing Mother

Overbearing mothers come in may guises; the mother, the mother in-law or the grand mother. But the overbearing mother I want to rant about today is someone who has known me for most of my life.

The overbearing mother is a control freak like no other, a hypocrite and at times a complete bitch. The over bearing mother will ruin your life even if you don’t realise it, she is hypocritical, judgemental and contradictory, she will impose unfair and ridiculous rules on you in regards to some of your friends and not others, in your adult life she will form a ‘clique’ with you and you will be her best friend, she will be in your life everyday, calling you constantly and will be there to ‘help’ you at your every beck and call. She will involve herself in your life so much that you will not be able to cope without her – which is what her subconscious secretly relishes.

Don’t mistake her for the passive aggressive, strict or over protective mother – these are all very similar traits, but what stands her apart from these mother types is her ability to smother, control and manipulate her offspring in such a way, that the daughter (or son) will confuse this for love, they allow this behaviour and believe that other mothers who don’t act in this way are not proper mothers. Eventually there will be a time when the daughter (or son) best friends, husband, wife will get fed up with the constant love interference and they will declare ‘enough is enough’. I class this kind of mothering as mild ‘brainwashing’ and I have witnessed, been subjected to and had it affect my early life for far too long, but this mum was not my own, but my best friends’.

I guess the reason why I am ranting about this now, is because my younger sibling has felt the brunt of this themselves quite recently, when her first girlie vacay was ruined by her best friends mother. Not only did her mother decide to book a holiday in the exact same resort but somehow managed to get the friend to spend half of the holiday with them instead of the girls. My kid sis made a comment to her friend about this and she was met with silence. Not a murmur. No apology. Nothing.

I recognise this laid-backness oh so well and I do fear that my sister will miss out on so many things – as I did – because the best friend won’t be allowed to do it or can’t make it or has to help her mum today, and so on. I only hope that she makes more friends so she has other options, which is a sad thing to say but unfortunately, the loveliest of people have the most annoying parents.

The time when it really hit home for me, that my best friend was/is under some weird dependency spell with her mother was a few years ago, when the mum in question was out-of-state for a few months, suddenly the phone couldn’t stop ringing with invites to go here, to go there, to do all the normal things that bezzie’s do together. Great! Finally! I thought – then it dawned on me – all these best mate outings and girl dates that were happening, the invites to ‘help’ her out because she couldn’t cope, were only occurring because of the absence of the overbearing mum.

This is where I feel the line has been crossed by the parent, it is one thing to have a good relationship with them, but to take the place of friends ALL the time I feel is unhealthy..and dare I say it a bit weird. I’m really close with my mum, but it would absolutely drive me crazy if I spent every spare time with her.

As I had predicted, as soon as her mum had returned, the invites stopped, the calls stopped, the asking for help stopped, which is a shame. This has caused a big wedge in our adult friendship – but my best friend is completely oblivious to her mothers ways. There were many times she would ‘lecture’ me as a teen, feeling like she had the right to, because she had known me for so long. Now as an adult thinking about this, I think this is very rude, as a teen it really got to me, but what got to me more was that never once did my best friend ever stick up for me or ever say apologise for her mother. Especially as I was a very good kid and the things she was lecturing me over were not even worth it.

In conversation with other friends this has been noted and commented on in front of the best friend, which wasn’t received well at all, my best friend sees her mum’s hold of her as love and she can’t understand other mothers who aren’t the same. That’s when I knew things would never change, she would never see it, even when her marriage broke down because of it, she still never blamed her mother when it was her fault. The scary part, is that my best friend is now morphing into her mother, she adopts the same opinions, thoughts, answers, routines, stresses and I can only see it getting worse.

I just wish that I had realised this all sooner, how her mothers knock on effects would have effected me and our friendship. Not because I would have ended being friends with her, but I would have made more memories with other friends I had growing up. On the rare occasions I can be slotted in for a visit, I dread it, because she (the overbearing one) might be there, my husband can’t stand her, either can many others I know, so why is it that my bestie doesn’t see it, believe it, acknowledge it? I feel so uncomfortable in her rudeness towards me that I want to run and hide, she isn’t friendly towards me considering the longevity of her knowing me, instead she bombards me with intrusive questions that my own family don’t ask, and as per usual – the dutiful friend that I am –  I reply politely whilst squirming in my seat. (I won’t mention the time she refused to give me a 10 minute lift home and I had to book a taxi when my back froze and went into spasms as a teen and I couldn’t move and was crying..nice lady)

The moral of this story? Don’t lay waiting hoping your friend or their mother will change, don’t be afraid of being shouted at by your friend for doing something she couldn’t or wasn’t allowed to do, don’t let her use the ‘best friend’ guilt-trip card on you and don’t let people sway your opinions – even if they adults!

I can only hope that no other growing of age events are spoiled by my sisters best friends mum, like mine were.

Thanks for reading 🙂

XO

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye and Good Riddance Part 2 | Knowing When It Is The End Of a Friendship

You’ve probably read some of my other posts that talk about how I’m losing many of my friends somehow, not because I don’t keep in touch – because I do. They just don’t keep in touch with me. I have reflected a lot about this, trying to think did I do something to piss them off? Or do I just put it down to growing up and growing apart?

I have some of my closest friends, who we all agree we have grown apart, but we still see each other, we just see each other less, so I don’t think this one is this.

In the past few months I have come to the realisation that one friend in particular, that I had since I was 12 will become a distant memory pretty soon and I just have to accept that. The funny thing is after years of emailing, texting, calling and not getting replies or getting replies about 3 weeks later, she actually randomly sent me a text. I say random as it was well over 1 year since I had stopped making attempts to contact.

In the 2 years she was really bad at keeping in touch she had given birth to twins (this was why she got in touch to tell me so) and I took this as a white flag to rekindle our friendship again. I will admit, I was a bit irked that I had no idea she was even pregnant, considering I used to be the one whom she told all her secrets too – I mean I know a lot, but what can I do, that is just life and it was her choice, but I always got the feeling maybe she felt bad about that, this is why I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

For 2 months we exchanged frequent emails and texts, trying to arrange a meet-up, she had relocated further north of the city and I was willing to pay the money to commute out of the London borders. The following months it went quiet again, probably on my part due to my job interviews, job searching and beginning this blog, so I decided once and for all to put a date in my diary to make the effort to visit.

I texted her and I didn’t get a reply until about 1 week later, she said that she was busy on all her days off from work for the next month and didn’t know when she would be free and that was that. I replied saying that I completely understood and that I would leave the ball in her court to let me know.

I never heard from her again and if I’m honest I haven’t tried to get in touch with her, I just got a clear sign that she just didn’t want to meet, something had changed. Was it me? Was it her?

Another mutual friend of ours suggested she may have been hormonal from the birth (she hadn’t seen her for years either btw) or just forgot who her real friends are and had probably changed. But even she said – why bother getting back in touch with you if she isn’t bothering to keep it up? Part of me thinks she was expecting more fuss, she was always one to want fuss around her and to be the centre of attention, she was obsessed about being popular.

Whatever the sudden cold shoulder, the timing was pretty off, I racked my brain thinking, have I written something on Twitter she didn’t like, was it because I didn’t send a gift (I was saving to buy her a gift so I could bring it with me on my planned visit), was she pissed off I left it too long to arrange a visit? Or maybe she just decided she doesn’t like me anymore? (I know that sounds so playground) I understand she has her hands completely full with the babies.

I’ve finally decided to just give up on her, the deciding factor came on the month of her birthday, Usually I had always, always sent her a card or a message even when we weren’t speaking and I wouldn’t get a reply or I’d get one 5 weeks later – so I decided I either send a card and keep trying to get in touch, getting hurt in the process, me doing all the work, her never visiting me (this is how the latter years pretty much were) or I don’t send anything and just cut-off from now.

Sounds harsh but I have a life too ya know and I just dont need this shit to be honest, so that is what I did. I’m not kidding myself anymore, it’s pretty obvious that we aren’t friends anymore – I will turn into someone she used to know and that is OK with me.

XO

Wedding Themes | Guest Outfit: Is It Worth All The Effort?

Carrying on with the wedding topic, I want to talk about wedding themes and guests’ outfits.

I have been to 2 weddings so far that have had a theme and the bride and groom have encouraged the guests to choose their outfits to go with the theme for the day.

As a guest I’ve found this really stressful on one hand, but easy on the other. Stressful because it narrows the search to a particular style, and easy because you have a guideline to follow so it makes choosing an outfit that much quicker – you hope.

In general I put a lot of thought into things and I do the same with clothes in regards to respecting people’s wishes. Many guests will wear what they want regardless whether it matches the theme or not – as I encountered on the 2 wedding days, and that’s fine, they still looked stunning but it made me feel like I had wasted all my energy into choosing something I probably wouldn’t have chosen if there was no theme.

Similar to a fancy dress party when you are the only one in costume and everyone else is in regular clothes (which btw one year that happened to 6 of my friends and I) nobody bats an eye-lid and the party still goes on.

So, it really makes me question is it worth abiding by a wedding theme request, when only a handful of the guests adhere to it and the bride & groom aren’t too fussed about it anyways – as it has appeared to be the case?

There’s me worrying that if I don’t follow the theme suggestion I’m going to upset people. It has made me question any future wedding outfits I may choose theme or not, because quite frankly it’s made me feel like a prat and annoyed at the same time.

All the extra money that could have been saved (especially when on a budget) when really, all that matters is that you have attended the ceremony anyways, right?

Have I learned anything from this? Yep, I’m going to listen to my gut and choose an outfit that matches the theme or not, as long as I’m comfortable to enjoy the celebrations. Because it seems like I’m one of a few that seem to give a shit and then it makes me feel like shit.

XO

Coffee Date Disaster

Coffee dates with friends are something I relish nowadays. With everyone so busy with their own lives it seems everyone has time for a cup of tea or coffee so I always grab this opportunity to meet up with any of my friends (before they all disappear!)

It’s a great way to catch up, have a spot of lunch, pop into a shop or two and you can do that in just a few hours – with still time left in the day to do your regular little chores.

So, why is it that I have just returned from a coffee date with one of my oldest friends and I just feel like shit. There was conversation, yummy drinks, the weather – beautiful, we got along perfectly as always, so why do I feel worse than when I left the house?

I feel drained, sad and hurt. I admit that many topics were of the moaning variety but isn’t that the norm when girls get together? One moans to other, leaning on the other one’s shoulder? Is it that I’m not managing well with this type of chat any more because I have enough to deal with myself and to hear someone else’s all the time is just too much? Maybe, I think it is, I’m such a good listener I don’t realise I’m soaking up all the angst when it is not even mine.

But what can I possibly do? Say no to invites and then lose what friends I have left, altogether – we can’t all be the same and I fully accept that, but as of this moment the only thing that is stopping me from crying is writing this post. Unfortunately, there are some personality types where you can’t bring these types of things up, you will just get cut off or not spoken to again. Some people are just like that, they don’t argue back or give an answer they just vanish and you never hear from them again.

I don’t want to risk this, so I let this consume me which isn’t good either.

Well all I can say is thank you for listening while I have a good old fashioned vent myself! (how ironic) I hope you have a lovely evening and I’m determined not to let this ruin the rest of mine!

XO

Wedding Guest Etiquette | Do You Mingle With The Guests You Don’t Know?

Quite recently we attended the wedding of my close friends’ younger sister – you may as well say the younger sister is like my sister pretty much, seen as I’ve known the family since she was tiny.

It was an absolutely stunning day and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The bride decided to invite more friends than family, so there were many groups of people who had never met and some who had met maybe once or twice. I always find in these small-talk situations you can tell a lot about people; their general manners towards others, their social skills and rapport-building qualities.

I have been to occasions like this several times where I have literally known nobody and have had to make efforts to ‘fit’ in somehow, albeit sometimes in an exaggerated way, you just stick out like a sore thumb otherwise and ya know what? The day would get really dull and boring if you just sit in the corner staying ‘schtum’.

I probably would never on a normal day have chatted to the guests I conversed with – but that’s the thing it isn’t a normal day and I think it’s so rude not to be friendly, especially when the bride is pretty much like my own little sister! This is why I just couldn’t understand my close friends (the brides sister) and her family’s coldness towards anybody who wasn’t part of their ‘circle’.

I watched it quite obviously the whole time, they made zero effort with anybody. Only speaking to their own family and guests they knew. But this wasn’t because they are shy – they certainly aren’t that! It was like they were some sort of clique and even my husband and I – whom they’ve known for years got a frosty reception. In fact, the brides sister – my close friend even stated to me “I don’t mingle unless I know people – I just can’t be bothered”. I think that just says it all really.

I think the reason it shocked me is because I’m the opposite, or I’ve learnt to be, because I’ve been the person nobody wants to mingle with and also have been the person to mingle.

Does this kind of scenario happen at all weddings? In my experience, I’ve only noticed this happening at weddings where there has been a higher ratio of friends versus family members and weddings where there has been quite visible snobbery and class differences.

You could argue that the cliquey family in question probably were a bit overwhelmed maybe? No, not really, the truth is they are like that in everyday life but I just thought they would make more of an effort on their sisters’, nieces’, cousins’ special day.

I just find it so sad that adults can act in this selfish way, and I wonder has this happened on your wedding day? Have you been to a wedding and witnessed this too? Or maybe you’ve heard of something like this happen to someone?

Whatever the similarity or difference I’m interested to hear your stories.

Do you mingle with wedding guests you don’t know? I do. But do you?

XO

 

 

 

 

Spellbound

This is going to sound really weird please bare with me, but I feel like someone has a ‘hold’ over me. I constantly have the person on my mind but not because I’m thinking of them, the person is just always there. I struggle with guilt constantly with the person yet I’ve done nothing to be guilty of, if I haven’t made contact for a time I begin to feel very bad about it and I begin to worry. So I make contact so that I stop worrying.

I don’t know if it is me being ansy or if there really is something else involved… ya see, I know in years gone by there were dabblings of the earth, water, air, fire kind and many a innocent “So Mote It Be’s” so I do wonder if a ‘binding’ was made in the nicest possible way of-course not out of malice but out of love and caring.

But what makes me doubt this is that I have only had this feeling in the last 10 years. I have only suffered with these guilt pangs for the same amount of time, so maybe I’m just worrying for nothing but it is weird how I can’t shake this feeling off and I don’t have this with anyone else and it’s so, so strong.

I try to break free, but I feel ‘pulled’ back like a magnet. It’s just weird. Like sealing a circle link so it doesn’t break – ever, but doesn’t the strength of the link itself pertain to whether there will be breakage and if the link is uber strong then it will always be unbroken? And vice versa. Don’t get me wrong I love this friendship very much but I feel uncomfortable sometimes and there certainly are some double standards going on.

I feel this has affected some of the choices I have made or not made in my life which is very unlike me and unhealthy, I have always been fiercely independent and my dear husband will tell you the same. If I’m honest it is like I fear a backlash of some sort.

I have to either face this fear, get unbound or get on with it as it is causing stagnation. I just really had to get it all out somewhere as I particularly feel it today more than ever.

XO