The Overbearing Mother

Overbearing mothers come in may guises; the mother, the mother in-law or the grand mother. But the overbearing mother I want to rant about today is someone who has known me for most of my life.

The overbearing mother is a control freak like no other, a hypocrite and at times a complete bitch. The over bearing mother will ruin your life even if you don’t realise it, she is hypocritical, judgemental and contradictory, she will impose unfair and ridiculous rules on you in regards to some of your friends and not others, in your adult life she will form a ‘clique’ with you and you will be her best friend, she will be in your life everyday, calling you constantly and will be there to ‘help’ you at your every beck and call. She will involve herself in your life so much that you will not be able to cope without her – which is what her subconscious secretly relishes.

Don’t mistake her for the passive aggressive, strict or over protective mother – these are all very similar traits, but what stands her apart from these mother types is her ability to smother, control and manipulate her offspring in such a way, that the daughter (or son) will confuse this for love, they allow this behaviour and believe that other mothers who don’t act in this way are not proper mothers. Eventually there will be a time when the daughter (or son) best friends, husband, wife will get fed up with the constant love interference and they will declare ‘enough is enough’. I class this kind of mothering as mild ‘brainwashing’ and I have witnessed, been subjected to and had it affect my early life for far too long, but this mum was not my own, but my best friends’.

I guess the reason why I am ranting about this now, is because my younger sibling has felt the brunt of this themselves quite recently, when her first girlie vacay was ruined by her best friends mother. Not only did her mother decide to book a holiday in the exact same resort but somehow managed to get the friend to spend half of the holiday with them instead of the girls. My kid sis made a comment to her friend about this and she was met with silence. Not a murmur. No apology. Nothing.

I recognise this laid-backness oh so well and I do fear that my sister will miss out on so many things – as I did – because the best friend won’t be allowed to do it or can’t make it or has to help her mum today, and so on. I only hope that she makes more friends so she has other options, which is a sad thing to say but unfortunately, the loveliest of people have the most annoying parents.

The time when it really hit home for me, that my best friend was/is under some weird dependency spell with her mother was a few years ago, when the mum in question was out-of-state for a few months, suddenly the phone couldn’t stop ringing with invites to go here, to go there, to do all the normal things that bezzie’s do together. Great! Finally! I thought – then it dawned on me – all these best mate outings and girl dates that were happening, the invites to ‘help’ her out because she couldn’t cope, were only occurring because of the absence of the overbearing mum.

This is where I feel the line has been crossed by the parent, it is one thing to have a good relationship with them, but to take the place of friends ALL the time I feel is unhealthy..and dare I say it a bit weird. I’m really close with my mum, but it would absolutely drive me crazy if I spent every spare time with her.

As I had predicted, as soon as her mum had returned, the invites stopped, the calls stopped, the asking for help stopped, which is a shame. This has caused a big wedge in our adult friendship – but my best friend is completely oblivious to her mothers ways. There were many times she would ‘lecture’ me as a teen, feeling like she had the right to, because she had known me for so long. Now as an adult thinking about this, I think this is very rude, as a teen it really got to me, but what got to me more was that never once did my best friend ever stick up for me or ever say apologise for her mother. Especially as I was a very good kid and the things she was lecturing me over were not even worth it.

In conversation with other friends this has been noted and commented on in front of the best friend, which wasn’t received well at all, my best friend sees her mum’s hold of her as love and she can’t understand other mothers who aren’t the same. That’s when I knew things would never change, she would never see it, even when her marriage broke down because of it, she still never blamed her mother when it was her fault. The scary part, is that my best friend is now morphing into her mother, she adopts the same opinions, thoughts, answers, routines, stresses and I can only see it getting worse.

I just wish that I had realised this all sooner, how her mothers knock on effects would have effected me and our friendship. Not because I would have ended being friends with her, but I would have made more memories with other friends I had growing up. On the rare occasions I can be slotted in for a visit, I dread it, because she (the overbearing one) might be there, my husband can’t stand her, either can many others I know, so why is it that my bestie doesn’t see it, believe it, acknowledge it? I feel so uncomfortable in her rudeness towards me that I want to run and hide, she isn’t friendly towards me considering the longevity of her knowing me, instead she bombards me with intrusive questions that my own family don’t ask, and as per usual – the dutiful friend that I am –  I reply politely whilst squirming in my seat. (I won’t mention the time she refused to give me a 10 minute lift home and I had to book a taxi when my back froze and went into spasms as a teen and I couldn’t move and was crying..nice lady)

The moral of this story? Don’t lay waiting hoping your friend or their mother will change, don’t be afraid of being shouted at by your friend for doing something she couldn’t or wasn’t allowed to do, don’t let her use the ‘best friend’ guilt-trip card on you and don’t let people sway your opinions – even if they adults!

I can only hope that no other growing of age events are spoiled by my sisters best friends mum, like mine were.

Thanks for reading 🙂

XO

 

 

 

 

 

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Goodbye and Good Riddance Part 2 | Knowing When It Is The End Of a Friendship

You’ve probably read some of my other posts that talk about how I’m losing many of my friends somehow, not because I don’t keep in touch – because I do. They just don’t keep in touch with me. I have reflected a lot about this, trying to think did I do something to piss them off? Or do I just put it down to growing up and growing apart?

I have some of my closest friends, who we all agree we have grown apart, but we still see each other, we just see each other less, so I don’t think this one is this.

In the past few months I have come to the realisation that one friend in particular, that I had since I was 12 will become a distant memory pretty soon and I just have to accept that. The funny thing is after years of emailing, texting, calling and not getting replies or getting replies about 3 weeks later, she actually randomly sent me a text. I say random as it was well over 1 year since I had stopped making attempts to contact.

In the 2 years she was really bad at keeping in touch she had given birth to twins (this was why she got in touch to tell me so) and I took this as a white flag to rekindle our friendship again. I will admit, I was a bit irked that I had no idea she was even pregnant, considering I used to be the one whom she told all her secrets too – I mean I know a lot, but what can I do, that is just life and it was her choice, but I always got the feeling maybe she felt bad about that, this is why I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

For 2 months we exchanged frequent emails and texts, trying to arrange a meet-up, she had relocated further north of the city and I was willing to pay the money to commute out of the London borders. The following months it went quiet again, probably on my part due to my job interviews, job searching and beginning this blog, so I decided once and for all to put a date in my diary to make the effort to visit.

I texted her and I didn’t get a reply until about 1 week later, she said that she was busy on all her days off from work for the next month and didn’t know when she would be free and that was that. I replied saying that I completely understood and that I would leave the ball in her court to let me know.

I never heard from her again and if I’m honest I haven’t tried to get in touch with her, I just got a clear sign that she just didn’t want to meet, something had changed. Was it me? Was it her?

Another mutual friend of ours suggested she may have been hormonal from the birth (she hadn’t seen her for years either btw) or just forgot who her real friends are and had probably changed. But even she said – why bother getting back in touch with you if she isn’t bothering to keep it up? Part of me thinks she was expecting more fuss, she was always one to want fuss around her and to be the centre of attention, she was obsessed about being popular.

Whatever the sudden cold shoulder, the timing was pretty off, I racked my brain thinking, have I written something on Twitter she didn’t like, was it because I didn’t send a gift (I was saving to buy her a gift so I could bring it with me on my planned visit), was she pissed off I left it too long to arrange a visit? Or maybe she just decided she doesn’t like me anymore? (I know that sounds so playground) I understand she has her hands completely full with the babies.

I’ve finally decided to just give up on her, the deciding factor came on the month of her birthday, Usually I had always, always sent her a card or a message even when we weren’t speaking and I wouldn’t get a reply or I’d get one 5 weeks later – so I decided I either send a card and keep trying to get in touch, getting hurt in the process, me doing all the work, her never visiting me (this is how the latter years pretty much were) or I don’t send anything and just cut-off from now.

Sounds harsh but I have a life too ya know and I just dont need this shit to be honest, so that is what I did. I’m not kidding myself anymore, it’s pretty obvious that we aren’t friends anymore – I will turn into someone she used to know and that is OK with me.

XO